While chatting to my partner earlier today, I realised that there's a lot of people I know who don't believe in celebrating main events of the year (Christmas, New Years, Halloween mostly. Easter and Valentines are more optional in my opinion, oh and Birthdays) because there's no point?
I fail to understand how people don't mind not celebrating anything all year and they're okay with this. Not having reasons to see people, make memories and make new friends, experience new things and even learn new things by simply doing things instead of doing nothing.
I do understand there's mental illness and there's just being nervous about it all, but at the end of the day you don't know what will happen when you've died, so why not experience these things, take opportunities and make your own ones? Go for it, do it, make things happen and learn. You can do the things you want to do when there's not something going on, that's sort of the point.
These are excuses people use to get together and celebrate something to make it more meaningful, people learn something out of it the majority of the time. Such as, I never want to host that again, or I'll host it better, or I'll actually talk to more people, bring something else, or I want to buy that game they were playing as it was fun, and so on..
Maybe it's a pet peeve of mine or something, but that's my opinion about it either way. Even if you don't feel like it, just try and do something and make sure you have an escape plan if you're really unsure.
Life is an experience in itself.
Thursday 31 December 2015
Tuesday 15 December 2015
Appreciating Christmas
Recently I've been irked by people complaining that Christmas is commercialised. Yes? And? It's up to us whether we want to 'do Christmas' or not. I for one will enjoy it and each year I've been buying a little bit more of decorations so that each year I can look forward to adding a bit more.
I enjoy seeing lots of presents under the tree. It has an awesome feeling knowing those presents are for people to open and I'm excited to see if they turn out to be good or not. Looking for gifts is fun and for me, it's a way to show my appreciation. Words don't seem to be enough these days.
This year a secret santa got me a Robin Williams poster. I'm still in shock over it because I felt like someone actually understood or at the very least they acknowledged his importance to me. I'll assume coincidence that I had been wanting to find exactly that to put on my wall lately too. That's what I love to do for friends. Let them know without words but with gifts to say yes, I've been paying attention and I'm glad you're in my life.
I wish I could afford to get more presents and for more friends. I love secret Santa's and I love to come up with fun ideas to surprise a friend or something. People are suspicious if you do a nice thing for them without excuse or reason.
So appreciate the thought people put into gifts and things. They are at least trying and they put thought into it. Same with cards. I love receiving cards as I hold on to them. They aren't too expensive and receiving them in the mail or being handed them is nice.
Thursday 10 December 2015
Appreciate the silly things and don't let people ruin it.
This one is going to be tough to write out, but it needs to be done.
I've been raised by my grandparents with my mother always coming round occasionally to spend time with my parents, I never felt loved by her. I always felt like I did something wrong and always strived to win her attention, as most children would do, naturally.
I've always called my grandma 'Nan and my granddad 'dad' because I knew my mother was my mother from four years old when I was told who she was. I don't remember this, it's always been this way for me. She gets called by her real name or 'Mother' and that's about it.
I was raised on my own by my grandparents. Looking after my disabled nan by helping her by bringing her meals and sometimes making them, going out to appointments, shopping, and cleaning the house with or for her. Dad would always be working and rarely be at home.
I don't want to make this a tragic childhood story because I'm not looking for sympathy, this is a blog to appreciate things by example, I think that's the best way to word it, so I'll get straight to the point here.
After living away from my parents for a few years now, I've gradually become to accept they're extremely pessimistic and they're proud and stubborn too. Perhaps habits from the good ol' days? Basically there's nothing I can do to win their respect and for them to praise instead of put down everything I do, and everything I am. It feels like I can never win. I have adopted a habit of seeing the worst outcome in everything and feeling like people don't like me unless they actually tell me they do, then it's whether the things I do are okay, if they're right, acceptable etc because my parents scared me if I did anything wrong, and they always had the final say in my upbringing until I was in my twenties. There's very much a 'What's the point in doing anything?' aspect to how my parents perceive and judge everything I do. You can't convince them otherwise.
So here's the appreciating part that I've sadly come to realise tonight. You have to appreciate that you can do what you want to do. No one else, just you because end of the day, that's who that matters most in your life. Love your decisions (obviously after carefully consideration and not rushing into it if you can help it) and go for it,be yourself and do what you want.
I've come to realise that my comfort food habits have been adopted from my nan too. Food was her comfort for being disabled and unable to be independent, and that was inflicted on me, as well as not to waste your food. Now I'm not blaming her for this, but I certainly am realising more of why I resort to comfort eating. It's when everything seems pointless because I've adopted my parents outlook. My parents who feel that doing anything is expensive and not worth it. Stay indoors and watch television and then in my nan's case, comfort eat because of that very same reason.
That my friends, is what you should avoid. Don't let anyone put you down on what you want to do. Don't doubt it either, talk to someone if you're not sure, but you live once, we know that much for sure. Damn well live that life and appreciate what you have, don't listen to what people say no matter how much you love them.Listen to their advice, talk to them, but don't be ruled by their decision for you.
I've been raised by my grandparents with my mother always coming round occasionally to spend time with my parents, I never felt loved by her. I always felt like I did something wrong and always strived to win her attention, as most children would do, naturally.
I've always called my grandma 'Nan and my granddad 'dad' because I knew my mother was my mother from four years old when I was told who she was. I don't remember this, it's always been this way for me. She gets called by her real name or 'Mother' and that's about it.
I was raised on my own by my grandparents. Looking after my disabled nan by helping her by bringing her meals and sometimes making them, going out to appointments, shopping, and cleaning the house with or for her. Dad would always be working and rarely be at home.
I don't want to make this a tragic childhood story because I'm not looking for sympathy, this is a blog to appreciate things by example, I think that's the best way to word it, so I'll get straight to the point here.
After living away from my parents for a few years now, I've gradually become to accept they're extremely pessimistic and they're proud and stubborn too. Perhaps habits from the good ol' days? Basically there's nothing I can do to win their respect and for them to praise instead of put down everything I do, and everything I am. It feels like I can never win. I have adopted a habit of seeing the worst outcome in everything and feeling like people don't like me unless they actually tell me they do, then it's whether the things I do are okay, if they're right, acceptable etc because my parents scared me if I did anything wrong, and they always had the final say in my upbringing until I was in my twenties. There's very much a 'What's the point in doing anything?' aspect to how my parents perceive and judge everything I do. You can't convince them otherwise.
So here's the appreciating part that I've sadly come to realise tonight. You have to appreciate that you can do what you want to do. No one else, just you because end of the day, that's who that matters most in your life. Love your decisions (obviously after carefully consideration and not rushing into it if you can help it) and go for it,be yourself and do what you want.
I've come to realise that my comfort food habits have been adopted from my nan too. Food was her comfort for being disabled and unable to be independent, and that was inflicted on me, as well as not to waste your food. Now I'm not blaming her for this, but I certainly am realising more of why I resort to comfort eating. It's when everything seems pointless because I've adopted my parents outlook. My parents who feel that doing anything is expensive and not worth it. Stay indoors and watch television and then in my nan's case, comfort eat because of that very same reason.
That my friends, is what you should avoid. Don't let anyone put you down on what you want to do. Don't doubt it either, talk to someone if you're not sure, but you live once, we know that much for sure. Damn well live that life and appreciate what you have, don't listen to what people say no matter how much you love them.Listen to their advice, talk to them, but don't be ruled by their decision for you.
Saturday 5 December 2015
Appreciating letting someone know you like them and what they do.
This weekend I've been with friends and actually tried to combat social anxiety. That nasty thing that when confronted with being expected to socialise with someone, my mind will go blank, I'll panic and then want to disappear, perhaps coming back to them on my own terms later on when everything is in control and I'm able to engage in a conversation about them and not me, I don't like to use "I" or "me" too much, I want to get to know other people better and be there for them, be the one they can rant too and get things out their system.
With the help of a little alcohol, I was able to resolve a few things with a few people, and I even learnt a few people actually read this blog as well, ones I never expected to read this, so that was incredibly awesome and overwhelmed me slightly.
So what I've learnt is that maybe those people who don't talk to me much, or at all, actually don't mind or even do like me, they're just similar to me in that they don't know what to say or what to do, how to approach someone like me who will shy away because they feel awkward and panic.
It's an infuriating reaction/response to go brain dead and freak a bit though, to feel awkward and yet willing your mind to think of questions to ask, to say the appropriate things to let someone talk with you.It's that, or nervously talking about anything that comes to mind and throwing everything at them, and then worrying you've just made things worse in your pretend reality.
The point of this entry is to appreciate those who do listen, who wait for you to think of what you want to say, who fills in those gaps for you while you listen, relax and come out of your shell more. Those who quietly make the effort to read these silly entries of mine without saying anything to me, I guess it must be worth it to keep reading them, and that's awesome. That's definitely motivating and encouraging me to not give up on this blog.
It's funny how you're supported and cared for without even knowing it. It's good if you tell people how you feel, that you like them, something they do, who they are.. anything. It's better than letting someone assume you don't like them, surely? pretty sure I'm a hypocrite now.
With the help of a little alcohol, I was able to resolve a few things with a few people, and I even learnt a few people actually read this blog as well, ones I never expected to read this, so that was incredibly awesome and overwhelmed me slightly.
So what I've learnt is that maybe those people who don't talk to me much, or at all, actually don't mind or even do like me, they're just similar to me in that they don't know what to say or what to do, how to approach someone like me who will shy away because they feel awkward and panic.
It's an infuriating reaction/response to go brain dead and freak a bit though, to feel awkward and yet willing your mind to think of questions to ask, to say the appropriate things to let someone talk with you.It's that, or nervously talking about anything that comes to mind and throwing everything at them, and then worrying you've just made things worse in your pretend reality.
The point of this entry is to appreciate those who do listen, who wait for you to think of what you want to say, who fills in those gaps for you while you listen, relax and come out of your shell more. Those who quietly make the effort to read these silly entries of mine without saying anything to me, I guess it must be worth it to keep reading them, and that's awesome. That's definitely motivating and encouraging me to not give up on this blog.
It's funny how you're supported and cared for without even knowing it. It's good if you tell people how you feel, that you like them, something they do, who they are.. anything. It's better than letting someone assume you don't like them, surely? pretty sure I'm a hypocrite now.
Saturday 21 November 2015
Appreciating that family homely feeling
Since yesterday we've had my housemates mother visiting until tomorrow. Tonight my housemate made roast dinner with dessert and soup for starters with their mum. We had friends round and I relaxed.
Mothers and family can do that I guess and it's infectious when you don't feel they're judging you in some way based on how good they are for your child etc.
It makes me appreciate the feeling of being taken care of. I miss it so much and my guardian grandparents can't make the four hour trip here and back (2 hours each way) for the day, impossible to think they could visit for the weekend. It makes me feel so sad knowing I can't invite them over, do family traditions, be a family in my own home with the family I've made out of my house mates and be happy to have both for a little while.
But I felt the need to share this feeling while I have it. It's lovely. It's a feeling I've really missed having and what I strive to achieve. It makes a home a real home.
Thursday 8 October 2015
Appreciate the obvious
A problem I faced in the last few months; I was terrified of wasting time. Something I always try to do is make the most of the time I have and force myself into things because I know I'll regret it if I don't try.
This always gave me an equal balance of 'me' time as well as social time by doing so. I never wanted to make more friends or get into a relationship, I was fine with my balance that made sure I had a bit of everything I needed and wanted basically.
Last week I was diagnosed as someone with severe depression and "critical" anxiety, and it made sense too. It got me out of my panicky bad place in my head that I had been in since June and remember who I was. I was able to separate emotion from logic once again thank god.
One of the biggest fears I'd developed was a fear of wasting time if I didn't play games with my partner. That everything would end soon and I had to make the most of it. It had become a dependency I didn't want in my life at all.
Now though, I have come to conclude that the time I spend with my boyfriend is to be cherished as it happens. Not worry about how little time we have and that we can't waste any of it. I am very grateful that I have managed to achieve a healthier balance of spending time with him, and having my own time to balance everything else. :)
This always gave me an equal balance of 'me' time as well as social time by doing so. I never wanted to make more friends or get into a relationship, I was fine with my balance that made sure I had a bit of everything I needed and wanted basically.
Last week I was diagnosed as someone with severe depression and "critical" anxiety, and it made sense too. It got me out of my panicky bad place in my head that I had been in since June and remember who I was. I was able to separate emotion from logic once again thank god.
One of the biggest fears I'd developed was a fear of wasting time if I didn't play games with my partner. That everything would end soon and I had to make the most of it. It had become a dependency I didn't want in my life at all.
Now though, I have come to conclude that the time I spend with my boyfriend is to be cherished as it happens. Not worry about how little time we have and that we can't waste any of it. I am very grateful that I have managed to achieve a healthier balance of spending time with him, and having my own time to balance everything else. :)
Friday 2 October 2015
Sleep is becoming a good friend
Today I looked forward to going to bed. I knew where things stood and that was a good place to be. Everything was ok or better and those that weren't so good in my life, well they were to be tackled during the day and not when I'm about to go to sleep.
I know I'll wake up to a new day of opportunity and unknowing to what I may experience from what I expect, and I'll keep fine tuning what I want to keep in my life, as it is my own.
Sleep means I can recharge and feel refreshed too. A lovely feeling in itself. I hope it stays this way so I can add it to my repertoire of growing strengths.
Friday 11 September 2015
Honest because we care
I've always said that honesty is best. Be honest about something if it bothers you about someone and they should be mature enough to take it, understand it and adapt/improve themselves in order to avoid that problem from happening again.
It may hurt to be told you're annoying, upsetting or angering someone, but don't you think it's better to be told when it does happen than for it to build up or get angry at each other and avoid each other until the other one apologises? That is a longer route to simply being told straight up and discussing it with each other in order to understand or come to a middle ground.
So that's what I appreciate at the moment. That someone cares or loves me enough to simply be honest with me before it becomes a real problem and risks losing whatever relationship we have together.
I do the same to those I care about and if they can't take it then it's a shame, but I can't associate with those who can't see that, since I believe it's a big part of accepting yourself above all else if you can accept what people aren't afraid to tell you. How else will you learn? It is one key of many in order to be happier about yourself, and your bond with someone.
It may hurt to be told you're annoying, upsetting or angering someone, but don't you think it's better to be told when it does happen than for it to build up or get angry at each other and avoid each other until the other one apologises? That is a longer route to simply being told straight up and discussing it with each other in order to understand or come to a middle ground.
So that's what I appreciate at the moment. That someone cares or loves me enough to simply be honest with me before it becomes a real problem and risks losing whatever relationship we have together.
I do the same to those I care about and if they can't take it then it's a shame, but I can't associate with those who can't see that, since I believe it's a big part of accepting yourself above all else if you can accept what people aren't afraid to tell you. How else will you learn? It is one key of many in order to be happier about yourself, and your bond with someone.
Monday 24 August 2015
Proud to love again.
Two months ago I was in a bad place, I was worried I was going to end up as I was last year but I still fought everything because I knew I had to try.
About six weeks ago I gave up caring at all but I still tried despite my apathy towards everything. Someone then messaged me on the day I chose to start using OkCupid again and pay for six months of it under the impression I'd not make a single friend let alone anything more, and my sex life had become something I'd stop caring about too. That person turned out to become someone awesome to me.
Today I am in a loving polyamorous relationship with someone who has endured my vulnerabilities and has loved me in their own way. I feel happy to have them. They have started to bring me out of my shell again and be happy, excited and more inspired to do things. I love them to bits and this surprises me because I am so guarded with my emotions and push people away, but not this time, they somehow work with me and I'm still going strong with them.
It's something different for me too be able to not care as much about the bad things, to feel braver and to be able to literally be more myself and less afraid of people. My anxieties and dependent personality disorder are put on their shoulders but he's fine with them and that amazes me, it works back on me because I try not to let them get in the way and with the strength he gives me, I am gradually able to overcome it more with him by my side.
My favourite part about this relationship is that we can be happy, silly and ourselves. We share a common dislike for predictability and monotony and to have fun. He's fine to talk openly about anything and I trust and love him more for this. I don't want to be stressing out about life and if I have too, then I know he's there to make it better and not in the 'I need you I've had a bad day' kind either.
I love this, I love him, I'm starting to be less afraid and less ashamed of being happy and being myself. It's a long healing process but I'm getting my faith back.. I had given up long ago in so much.
I apologise for the moosh, but I want to shout it out in my blog where people have the choice to read it.
Saturday 15 August 2015
A year since he died
So this week was the year anniversary since Robin Williams ended his life. I saw the last movie he did which was called Absolutely Anything today, I had been looking forward to it despite being anxious and upset it was his last movie. I won't spoil anything but I encourage anyone who sees it to stay a few minutes into the credits. There's a simple clip that I couldn't help but cry to watch it, knowing that was probably the last time he was seen working his magic.
As a kid I'd watch his movies a lot. He looked like my granddad who raised me but was at work a lot, so I guess Robin took his place. He made me laugh, he made me sentimental, he made me who I am today.
As I grew older, I learned of his struggles more and related to them, I could empathise and I'd think about him almost daily and I'd think fondly of him at that. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he made me miss him despite never meeting him. I was in love with a second Father who was on-screen and I could see whenever I wanted.
Seeing him die in movies made me very sad because I'd relate to my granddad, as well as just loving Robin as well. I never wanted him to die, I knew he'd be there for many years to come and I dreaded him passing away. This fear developed as I was a kid and onwards, call me weird if you must.
I always wanted to speak to him or meet him but felt I was one of millions who wanted to do so, so why bother. I was there and for some reason I thought he would know that if he wanted a friend or someone to talk too, I'd be there. A part of me strongly regrets not contacting him just to make him aware of it, despite knowing it would get overlooked, I felt my love would make everything better and that I was different to the generic types of caring people. I was genuine.
But now he has passed away and I still struggle to watch anything with him involved without crying. I don't even think about it, and it happens. My brain can be fine with it but it does it none the less. I loved him to bits and I can't help that. It's been a year and I have barely healed in that year, I miss him and I hate that he's not around any more, but I will always encourage people to be more aware of how brilliant of a person he was and still is.
Thank you Robin. Thank you for being amazing..
As a kid I'd watch his movies a lot. He looked like my granddad who raised me but was at work a lot, so I guess Robin took his place. He made me laugh, he made me sentimental, he made me who I am today.
As I grew older, I learned of his struggles more and related to them, I could empathise and I'd think about him almost daily and I'd think fondly of him at that. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he made me miss him despite never meeting him. I was in love with a second Father who was on-screen and I could see whenever I wanted.
Seeing him die in movies made me very sad because I'd relate to my granddad, as well as just loving Robin as well. I never wanted him to die, I knew he'd be there for many years to come and I dreaded him passing away. This fear developed as I was a kid and onwards, call me weird if you must.
I always wanted to speak to him or meet him but felt I was one of millions who wanted to do so, so why bother. I was there and for some reason I thought he would know that if he wanted a friend or someone to talk too, I'd be there. A part of me strongly regrets not contacting him just to make him aware of it, despite knowing it would get overlooked, I felt my love would make everything better and that I was different to the generic types of caring people. I was genuine.
But now he has passed away and I still struggle to watch anything with him involved without crying. I don't even think about it, and it happens. My brain can be fine with it but it does it none the less. I loved him to bits and I can't help that. It's been a year and I have barely healed in that year, I miss him and I hate that he's not around any more, but I will always encourage people to be more aware of how brilliant of a person he was and still is.
Thank you Robin. Thank you for being amazing..
Thursday 13 August 2015
Woah, a new blog?!
I decided I really quite missed having a blog to throw my thoughts at. Something people could read if they wanted to do so or not, but it's my way to express what's going on in my mind, and throw my feelings out too. It helps clear my mind without directing to anyone specifically.
So this blog is going to be much more focused on the positive (I hope) and not go through explaining myself and wanting to be understood etc because that always changes and therefore fuels my problems by existing. Where as being positive will always create something positive in the future, or something for me to laugh back on for being so naive because I cannot predict the future, odd that.
Let's start off with feeling better about myself after realising what exactly is causing my deepest fears and what those fears are. I cannot fix the problem by feeling I know the reason, but it's a start at least.
I have started to become less afraid to open up to close friends when I am feeling weak and vulnerable. I still hide, I still cannot face everything and my anxiety and mental illness have generally been quite bad as of late, but they're starting to get better with much appreciated help that I didn't even realise I needed or wanted until it started to become part of my life. I have even been learning to relax and trust that it's not selfish, but that's a work in progress too.
I have become a lot happier to not be ashamed to follow wrestling and play games again too. Admittedly I am still a noob at both, but I don't care because I enjoy both of them and I am always going to be a gamer, so by not being able to enjoy games was actually making me feel crap, but I just couldn't enjoy gaming any more. All I've been doing is just using my time by being productive but it wasn't making me happy, not really. I was content or stressed or both, and that was all I knew. Again, I didn't know how to relax or what to do with myself.
I have realised I do require someone to be in the house or around doing their own thing. I get to have my own time and I don't have to freak out about being completely on my own or feel I need to be looking after someone. I do that all the time because I've been raised to worry basically, I have looked after my nan all my life, so I feel it's understandable.
It gives me the choice and opportunity to join in or start or do something with the people around me at the time without feeling guilty about being quiet or sometimes the complete opposite and being manic and silly.
I am tired so I am leaving this blog entry here. I will more than likely repeat myself, go into specific things more, or both for my future entries, but it helps me, it really does. I recommend you do it if you have things on your mind too.
So this blog is going to be much more focused on the positive (I hope) and not go through explaining myself and wanting to be understood etc because that always changes and therefore fuels my problems by existing. Where as being positive will always create something positive in the future, or something for me to laugh back on for being so naive because I cannot predict the future, odd that.
Let's start off with feeling better about myself after realising what exactly is causing my deepest fears and what those fears are. I cannot fix the problem by feeling I know the reason, but it's a start at least.
I have started to become less afraid to open up to close friends when I am feeling weak and vulnerable. I still hide, I still cannot face everything and my anxiety and mental illness have generally been quite bad as of late, but they're starting to get better with much appreciated help that I didn't even realise I needed or wanted until it started to become part of my life. I have even been learning to relax and trust that it's not selfish, but that's a work in progress too.
I have become a lot happier to not be ashamed to follow wrestling and play games again too. Admittedly I am still a noob at both, but I don't care because I enjoy both of them and I am always going to be a gamer, so by not being able to enjoy games was actually making me feel crap, but I just couldn't enjoy gaming any more. All I've been doing is just using my time by being productive but it wasn't making me happy, not really. I was content or stressed or both, and that was all I knew. Again, I didn't know how to relax or what to do with myself.
I have realised I do require someone to be in the house or around doing their own thing. I get to have my own time and I don't have to freak out about being completely on my own or feel I need to be looking after someone. I do that all the time because I've been raised to worry basically, I have looked after my nan all my life, so I feel it's understandable.
It gives me the choice and opportunity to join in or start or do something with the people around me at the time without feeling guilty about being quiet or sometimes the complete opposite and being manic and silly.
I am tired so I am leaving this blog entry here. I will more than likely repeat myself, go into specific things more, or both for my future entries, but it helps me, it really does. I recommend you do it if you have things on your mind too.
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