Proud to love again.

Two months ago I was in a bad place,  I was worried I was going to end up as I was last year but I still fought everything because I knew I had to try.

About six weeks ago I gave up caring at all but I still tried despite my apathy towards everything. Someone then messaged me on the day I chose to start using OkCupid again and pay for six months of it under the impression I'd not make a single friend let alone anything more, and my sex life had become something I'd stop caring about too. That person turned out to become someone awesome to me.

Today I am in a loving polyamorous relationship with someone who has endured my vulnerabilities and has loved me in their own way. I feel happy to have them.  They have started to bring me out of my shell again and be happy,  excited and more inspired to do things.  I love them to bits and this surprises me because I am so guarded with my emotions and push people away,  but not this time, they somehow work with me and I'm still going strong with them.

It's something different for me too  be able to not care as much about the bad things,  to feel braver and to be able to literally be more myself and less afraid of people.  My anxieties and dependent personality disorder are put on their shoulders but he's fine with them and that amazes me,  it works back on me because I try not to let them get in the way and with the strength he gives me,  I am gradually able to overcome it more with him by my side.

My favourite part about this relationship is that we can be happy,  silly and ourselves. We share a common dislike for predictability and monotony and to have fun.  He's fine to talk openly about anything and I trust and love him more for this. I don't want to be stressing out about life and if I have too,  then I know he's there to make it better and not in the 'I need you I've had a bad day'  kind either.

I love this,  I love him,  I'm starting to be less afraid and less ashamed of being happy and being myself.  It's a long healing process but I'm getting my faith back..  I had given up long ago in so much.

I apologise for the moosh,  but I want to shout it out in my blog where people have the choice to read it.