Woah, a new blog?!

I decided I really quite missed having a blog to throw my thoughts at. Something people could read if they wanted to do so or not, but it's my way to express what's going on in my mind, and throw my feelings out too. It helps clear my mind without directing to anyone specifically.

So this blog is going to be much more focused on the positive (I hope) and not go through explaining myself and wanting to be understood etc because that always changes and therefore fuels my problems by existing. Where as being positive will always create something positive in the future, or something for me to laugh back on for being so naive because I cannot predict the future, odd that.

Let's start off with feeling better about myself after realising what exactly is causing my deepest fears and what those fears are. I cannot fix the problem by feeling I know the reason, but it's a start at least.

I have started to become less afraid to open up to close friends when I am feeling weak and vulnerable. I still hide, I still cannot face everything and my anxiety and mental illness have generally been quite bad as of late, but they're starting to get better with much appreciated help that I didn't even realise I needed or wanted until it started to become part of my life. I have even been learning to relax and trust that it's not selfish, but that's a work in progress too.

I have become a lot happier to not be ashamed to follow wrestling and play games again too. Admittedly I am still a noob at both, but I don't care because I enjoy both of them and I am always going to be a gamer, so by not being able to enjoy games was actually making me feel crap, but I just couldn't enjoy gaming any more. All I've been doing is just using my time by being productive but it wasn't making me happy, not really. I was content or stressed or both, and that was all I knew. Again, I didn't know how to relax or what to do with myself.

I have realised I do require someone to be in the house or around doing their own thing. I get to have my own time and I don't have to freak out about being completely on my own or feel I need to be looking after someone. I do that all the time because I've been raised to worry basically, I have looked after my nan all my life, so I feel it's understandable.

It gives me the choice and opportunity to join in or start or do something with the people around me at the time without feeling guilty about being quiet or sometimes the complete opposite and being manic and silly.

I am tired so I am leaving this blog entry here. I will more than likely repeat myself, go into specific things more, or both for my future entries, but it helps me, it really does. I recommend you do it if you have things on your mind too.