Appreciate the silly things and don't let people ruin it.

This one is going to be tough to write out, but it needs to be done.

I've been raised by my grandparents with my mother always coming round occasionally to spend time with my parents, I never felt loved by her. I always felt like I did something wrong and always strived to win her attention, as most children would do, naturally.

I've always called my grandma 'Nan and my granddad 'dad' because I knew my mother was my mother from four years old when I was told who she was. I don't remember this, it's always been this way for me. She gets called by her real name or 'Mother' and that's about it.

I was raised on my own by my grandparents. Looking after my disabled nan by helping her by bringing her meals and sometimes making them, going out to appointments, shopping, and cleaning the house with or for her. Dad would always be working and rarely be at home. 

I don't want to make this a tragic childhood story because I'm not looking for sympathy, this is a blog to appreciate things by example, I think that's the best way to word it, so I'll get straight to the point here.

After living away from my parents for a few years now, I've gradually become to accept they're extremely pessimistic and they're proud and stubborn too. Perhaps habits from the good ol' days? Basically there's nothing I can do to win their respect and for them to praise instead of put down everything I do, and everything I am. It feels like I can never win. I have adopted a habit of seeing the worst outcome in everything and feeling like people don't like me unless they actually tell me they do, then it's whether the things I do are okay, if they're right, acceptable etc because my parents scared me if I did anything wrong, and they always had the final say in my upbringing until I was in my twenties. There's very much a 'What's the point in doing anything?' aspect to how my parents perceive and judge everything I do. You can't convince them otherwise.

So here's the appreciating part that I've sadly come to realise tonight. You have to appreciate that you can do what you want to do. No one else, just you because end of the day, that's who that matters most in your life. Love your decisions (obviously after carefully consideration and not rushing into it if you can help it) and go for it,be yourself and do what you want.

I've come to realise that my comfort food habits have been adopted from my nan too. Food was her comfort for being disabled and unable to be independent, and that was inflicted on me, as well as not to waste your food. Now I'm not blaming her for this, but I certainly am realising more of why I resort to comfort eating. It's when everything seems pointless because I've adopted my parents outlook. My parents who feel that doing anything is expensive and not worth it. Stay indoors and watch television and then in my nan's case, comfort eat because of that very same reason.

That my friends, is what you should avoid. Don't let anyone put you down on what you want to do. Don't doubt it either, talk to someone if you're not sure, but you live once, we know that much for sure. Damn well live that life and appreciate what you have, don't listen to what people say no matter how much you love them.Listen to their advice, talk to them, but don't be ruled by their decision for you.