Appreciating Christmas

Recently I've been irked by people complaining that Christmas is commercialised.  Yes? And? It's up to us whether we want to 'do Christmas'  or not. I for one will enjoy it and each year I've been buying a little bit more of decorations so that each year I can look forward to adding a bit more.

I enjoy seeing lots of presents under the tree.  It has an awesome feeling knowing those presents are for people to open and I'm excited to see if they turn out to be good or not.  Looking for gifts is fun and for me,  it's a way to show my appreciation. Words don't seem to be enough these days.

This year a secret santa got me a Robin Williams poster.  I'm still in shock over it because I felt like someone actually understood or at the very least they acknowledged his importance to me. I'll assume coincidence that I had been wanting to find exactly that to put on my wall lately too. That's what I love to do for friends. Let them know without words but with gifts to say yes, I've been paying attention and I'm glad you're in my life.

I wish I could afford to get more presents and for more friends.  I love secret Santa's and I love to come up with fun ideas to surprise a friend or something. People are suspicious if you do a nice thing for them without excuse or reason.

So appreciate the thought people put into gifts and things.  They are at least trying and they put thought into it. Same with cards. I love receiving cards as I hold on to them. They aren't too expensive and receiving them in the mail or being handed them is nice.

Appreciate the silly things and don't let people ruin it.

This one is going to be tough to write out, but it needs to be done.

I've been raised by my grandparents with my mother always coming round occasionally to spend time with my parents, I never felt loved by her. I always felt like I did something wrong and always strived to win her attention, as most children would do, naturally.

I've always called my grandma 'Nan and my granddad 'dad' because I knew my mother was my mother from four years old when I was told who she was. I don't remember this, it's always been this way for me. She gets called by her real name or 'Mother' and that's about it.

I was raised on my own by my grandparents. Looking after my disabled nan by helping her by bringing her meals and sometimes making them, going out to appointments, shopping, and cleaning the house with or for her. Dad would always be working and rarely be at home. 

I don't want to make this a tragic childhood story because I'm not looking for sympathy, this is a blog to appreciate things by example, I think that's the best way to word it, so I'll get straight to the point here.

After living away from my parents for a few years now, I've gradually become to accept they're extremely pessimistic and they're proud and stubborn too. Perhaps habits from the good ol' days? Basically there's nothing I can do to win their respect and for them to praise instead of put down everything I do, and everything I am. It feels like I can never win. I have adopted a habit of seeing the worst outcome in everything and feeling like people don't like me unless they actually tell me they do, then it's whether the things I do are okay, if they're right, acceptable etc because my parents scared me if I did anything wrong, and they always had the final say in my upbringing until I was in my twenties. There's very much a 'What's the point in doing anything?' aspect to how my parents perceive and judge everything I do. You can't convince them otherwise.

So here's the appreciating part that I've sadly come to realise tonight. You have to appreciate that you can do what you want to do. No one else, just you because end of the day, that's who that matters most in your life. Love your decisions (obviously after carefully consideration and not rushing into it if you can help it) and go for it,be yourself and do what you want.

I've come to realise that my comfort food habits have been adopted from my nan too. Food was her comfort for being disabled and unable to be independent, and that was inflicted on me, as well as not to waste your food. Now I'm not blaming her for this, but I certainly am realising more of why I resort to comfort eating. It's when everything seems pointless because I've adopted my parents outlook. My parents who feel that doing anything is expensive and not worth it. Stay indoors and watch television and then in my nan's case, comfort eat because of that very same reason.

That my friends, is what you should avoid. Don't let anyone put you down on what you want to do. Don't doubt it either, talk to someone if you're not sure, but you live once, we know that much for sure. Damn well live that life and appreciate what you have, don't listen to what people say no matter how much you love them.Listen to their advice, talk to them, but don't be ruled by their decision for you.

 

Appreciating letting someone know you like them and what they do.

This weekend I've been with friends and actually tried to combat social anxiety. That nasty thing that when confronted with being expected to socialise with someone, my mind will go blank, I'll panic and then want to disappear, perhaps coming back to them on my own terms later on when everything is in control and I'm able to engage in a conversation about them and not me, I don't like to use "I" or "me" too much, I want to get to know other people better and be there for them, be the one they can rant too and get things out their system.

With the help of a little alcohol, I was able to resolve a few things with a few people, and I even learnt a few people actually read this blog as well, ones I never expected to read this, so that was incredibly awesome and overwhelmed me slightly. 

So what I've learnt is that maybe those people who don't talk to me much, or at all, actually don't mind or even do like me, they're just similar to me in that they don't know what to say or what to do, how to approach someone like me who will shy away because they feel awkward and panic.

It's an infuriating reaction/response to go brain dead and freak a bit though, to feel awkward and yet willing your mind to think of questions to ask, to say the appropriate things to let someone talk with you.It's that, or nervously talking about anything that comes to mind and throwing everything at them, and then worrying you've just made things worse in your pretend reality.

The point of this entry is to appreciate those who do listen, who wait for you to think of what you want to say, who fills in those gaps for you while you listen, relax and come out of your shell more. Those who quietly make the effort to read these silly entries of mine without saying anything to me, I guess it must be worth it to keep reading them, and that's awesome. That's definitely motivating and encouraging me to not give up on this blog.

It's funny how you're supported and cared for without even knowing it. It's good if you tell people how you feel, that you like them, something they do, who they are.. anything. It's better than letting someone assume you don't like them, surely? pretty sure I'm a hypocrite now.

Appreciating that family homely feeling

Since yesterday we've had my housemates mother visiting until tomorrow. Tonight my housemate made roast dinner with dessert and soup for starters with their mum. We had friends round and I relaxed.

Mothers and family can do that I guess and it's infectious when you don't feel they're judging you in some way based on how good they are for your child etc.

It makes me appreciate the feeling of being taken care of.  I miss it so much and my guardian grandparents can't make the four hour trip here and back (2 hours each way) for the day,  impossible to think they could visit for the weekend. It makes me feel so sad knowing I can't invite them over,  do family traditions,  be a family in my own home with the family I've made out of my house mates and be happy to have both for a little while.

But I felt the need to share this feeling while I have it.  It's lovely. It's a feeling I've really missed having and what I strive to achieve.  It makes a home a real home.

Appreciate the obvious

A problem I faced in the last few months; I was terrified of wasting time. Something I always try to do is make the most of the time I have and force myself into things because I know I'll regret it if I don't try.

This always gave me an equal balance of  'me' time as well as social time by doing so. I never wanted to make more friends or get into a relationship, I was fine with my balance that made sure I had a bit of everything I needed and wanted basically.

Last week I was diagnosed as someone with severe depression and "critical" anxiety, and it made sense too. It got me out of my panicky bad place in my head that I had been in since June and remember who I was. I was able to separate emotion from logic once again thank god.

One of the biggest fears I'd developed was a fear of wasting time if I didn't play games with my partner. That everything would end soon and I had to make the most of it. It had become a dependency I didn't want in my life at all.

Now though, I have come to conclude that the time I spend with my boyfriend is to be cherished as it happens. Not worry about how little time we have and that we can't waste any of it. I am very grateful that I have managed to achieve a healthier balance of spending time with him, and having my own time to balance everything else. :)

Sleep is becoming a good friend

Today I looked forward to going to bed.  I knew where things stood and that was a good place to be.  Everything was ok or better and those that weren't so good in my life,  well they were to be tackled during the day and not when I'm about to go to sleep.

I know I'll wake up to a new day of opportunity and unknowing to what I may experience from what I expect, and I'll keep fine tuning what I want to keep in my life,  as it is my own.

Sleep means I can recharge and feel refreshed too.  A lovely feeling in itself.  I hope it stays this way so I can add it to my repertoire of growing strengths.

Honest because we care

I've always said that honesty is best. Be honest about something if it bothers you about someone and they should be mature enough to take it, understand it and adapt/improve themselves in order to avoid that problem from happening again.

It may hurt to be told you're annoying, upsetting or angering someone, but don't you think it's better to be told when it does happen than for it to build up or get angry at each other and avoid each other until the other one apologises? That is a longer route to simply being told straight up and discussing it with each other in order to understand or come to a middle ground.

So that's what I appreciate at the moment. That someone cares or loves me enough to simply be honest with me before it becomes a real problem and risks losing whatever relationship we have together.

I do the same to those I care about and if they can't take it then it's a shame, but I can't associate with those who can't see that, since I believe it's a big part of accepting yourself above all else if you can accept what people aren't afraid to tell you. How else will you learn? It is one key of many in order to be happier about yourself, and your bond with someone.