Proud to love again.

Two months ago I was in a bad place,  I was worried I was going to end up as I was last year but I still fought everything because I knew I had to try.

About six weeks ago I gave up caring at all but I still tried despite my apathy towards everything. Someone then messaged me on the day I chose to start using OkCupid again and pay for six months of it under the impression I'd not make a single friend let alone anything more, and my sex life had become something I'd stop caring about too. That person turned out to become someone awesome to me.

Today I am in a loving polyamorous relationship with someone who has endured my vulnerabilities and has loved me in their own way. I feel happy to have them.  They have started to bring me out of my shell again and be happy,  excited and more inspired to do things.  I love them to bits and this surprises me because I am so guarded with my emotions and push people away,  but not this time, they somehow work with me and I'm still going strong with them.

It's something different for me too  be able to not care as much about the bad things,  to feel braver and to be able to literally be more myself and less afraid of people.  My anxieties and dependent personality disorder are put on their shoulders but he's fine with them and that amazes me,  it works back on me because I try not to let them get in the way and with the strength he gives me,  I am gradually able to overcome it more with him by my side.

My favourite part about this relationship is that we can be happy,  silly and ourselves. We share a common dislike for predictability and monotony and to have fun.  He's fine to talk openly about anything and I trust and love him more for this. I don't want to be stressing out about life and if I have too,  then I know he's there to make it better and not in the 'I need you I've had a bad day'  kind either.

I love this,  I love him,  I'm starting to be less afraid and less ashamed of being happy and being myself.  It's a long healing process but I'm getting my faith back..  I had given up long ago in so much.

I apologise for the moosh,  but I want to shout it out in my blog where people have the choice to read it.

A year since he died

So this week was the year anniversary since Robin Williams ended his life. I saw the last movie he did which was called Absolutely Anything today, I had been looking forward to it despite being anxious and upset it was his last movie. I won't spoil anything but I encourage anyone who sees it to stay a few minutes into the credits. There's a simple clip that I couldn't help but cry to watch it, knowing that was probably the last time he was seen working his magic.

As a kid I'd watch his movies a lot. He looked like my granddad who raised me but was at work a lot, so I guess Robin took his place. He made me laugh, he made me sentimental, he made me who I am today.

As I grew older, I learned of his struggles more and related to them, I could empathise and I'd think about him almost daily and I'd think fondly of him at that. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he made me miss him despite never meeting him. I was in love with a second Father who was on-screen and I could see whenever I wanted.

Seeing him die in movies made me very sad because I'd relate to my granddad, as well as just loving Robin as well. I never wanted him to die, I knew he'd be there for many years to come and I dreaded him passing away. This fear developed as I was a kid and onwards, call me weird if you must.

I always wanted to speak to him or meet him but felt I was one of millions who wanted to do so, so why bother. I was there and for some reason I thought he would know that if he wanted a friend or someone to talk too, I'd be there. A part of me strongly regrets not contacting him just to make him aware of it, despite knowing it would get overlooked, I felt my love would make everything better and that I was different to the generic types of caring people. I was genuine.

But now he has passed away and I still struggle to watch anything with him involved without crying. I don't even think about it, and it happens. My brain can be fine with it but it does it none the less. I loved him to bits and I can't help that. It's been a year and I have barely healed in that year, I miss him and I hate that he's not around any more, but I will always encourage people to be more aware of how brilliant of a person he was and still is. 

Thank you Robin. Thank you for being amazing..

Woah, a new blog?!

I decided I really quite missed having a blog to throw my thoughts at. Something people could read if they wanted to do so or not, but it's my way to express what's going on in my mind, and throw my feelings out too. It helps clear my mind without directing to anyone specifically.

So this blog is going to be much more focused on the positive (I hope) and not go through explaining myself and wanting to be understood etc because that always changes and therefore fuels my problems by existing. Where as being positive will always create something positive in the future, or something for me to laugh back on for being so naive because I cannot predict the future, odd that.

Let's start off with feeling better about myself after realising what exactly is causing my deepest fears and what those fears are. I cannot fix the problem by feeling I know the reason, but it's a start at least.

I have started to become less afraid to open up to close friends when I am feeling weak and vulnerable. I still hide, I still cannot face everything and my anxiety and mental illness have generally been quite bad as of late, but they're starting to get better with much appreciated help that I didn't even realise I needed or wanted until it started to become part of my life. I have even been learning to relax and trust that it's not selfish, but that's a work in progress too.

I have become a lot happier to not be ashamed to follow wrestling and play games again too. Admittedly I am still a noob at both, but I don't care because I enjoy both of them and I am always going to be a gamer, so by not being able to enjoy games was actually making me feel crap, but I just couldn't enjoy gaming any more. All I've been doing is just using my time by being productive but it wasn't making me happy, not really. I was content or stressed or both, and that was all I knew. Again, I didn't know how to relax or what to do with myself.

I have realised I do require someone to be in the house or around doing their own thing. I get to have my own time and I don't have to freak out about being completely on my own or feel I need to be looking after someone. I do that all the time because I've been raised to worry basically, I have looked after my nan all my life, so I feel it's understandable.

It gives me the choice and opportunity to join in or start or do something with the people around me at the time without feeling guilty about being quiet or sometimes the complete opposite and being manic and silly.

I am tired so I am leaving this blog entry here. I will more than likely repeat myself, go into specific things more, or both for my future entries, but it helps me, it really does. I recommend you do it if you have things on your mind too.